Train Wreck - No Pictures, Please

It turns into an all or nothing.

In high school I went on the Atkins diet on and off for 4 years. All  the cool kids were doing it and I had put on some weight over the summer. It must have been the sedentary lifestyle that takes place when you’re isolated all day at your house with nothing to do. Mmmm. I ate a lot of Little Debbie and Hostess snacks. It was obvious I had gained weight. My jeans didn’t fit and my mom said something to me about it. BOOM! Bricks falling on my 15 year old body. So, my mom and I did the Atkins diet. I cut the carbs. Big time. Mind you, I didn’t ::cough:: drink ::cough::,  so that wasn’t a problem. In the first 6 months, I lost 35 pounds, but gained a serious fear of pasta and other starchy things that I still have to this day. I just ignore it more. But the guilt, oh the guilt.

12 years later and I still struggle with weight, what to eat, what to drink and all that. I know it will be a life long struggle. I’ve educated myself over the years on what’s healthy and what’s not. I’ve have healthy and unhealthy relationships with food. It’s a tumultuous relationship that I’ll never be able to end. There’s no breakup on my horizon. Fine. Lately, I won’t eat fruit, grains, or dairy. All or nothing, right? I don’t like all or nothing. Really, I don’t like that I create this fear of those foods. Reality: I can’t control myself around cheese and a lot of diary hates my digestive system. I still carry a fear of grains from doing Atkins, and I’ve been reading that I can’t even take in enough fruit for it to make a difference. It’s just added sugar I don’t want to burn off. Why put these things in my body if I feel a ton of guilt about it? I just want a healthy relationship. I want to say it’s ok to have some pasta, some cheese, or some pineapple, but my mindset prevents me from doing so.

Maybe this is how life is supposed to be? Maybe part of living a healthy life is not comparing yourself to your friends who can eat “anything”, but doing what works for you. If all or nothing works, then maybe that’s how I’m supposed to handle this bi-polar relationship.

I like eating a plant and protein based diet, but I’d rather it be more of an organic choice not fueled by fear. Does that make sense?

I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.