Train Wreck - No Pictures, Please

I’ve asked myself lately if teaching is for me. I love it. I really do. I think or know that 85% of why I’m questioning this because of my current environment. It’s also the 3 IEPs I have in two weeks and the end of the year district tests as well as my own progress monitoring. I don’t mind IEPs. I kind of enjoy them. It’s weird good feeling Iget when I know I’ve written an amazing document that’s going to help a kid. But, this isn’t what I signed up for. I didn’t sign up to test my kids all the time. And yes, I know that some of those test are of my own doing (Fountas and Pinnell, Star, Rasinski, Easy CBM…), but I don’t want to spend countless hours giving the district benchmark test or the REACH evaluation. I don’t. I’m supposed to be observed again before the year is over. I told my principal that I hope he can get a good evaluation out if testing, because that’s what I do at the end of the year (as well as the beginning).

After a long conversation with my principal about changes for next year, my job, where he wants me, what I want, hopes, dreams, and co-teaching, I found myself shaking hands with him and him saying, “I’m glad you’re giving it one more …”. I stopped him before he could finish. I told him I was going to be honest with him. I’m still looking, but I will be very up front with him about my search. I told him that I know I would be happy in an instructional self-contained classroom. I’d be more apt to take a job doing what I know I love, am good at, successful, and the kids would benefit, than coming back to a job that I’ve been unhappy at for two years even with the changes.

Scene: I’m working on an IEP in my classroom and it’s quiet. I’m content and powering through. In walks my principal.

Principal: Hey, can we talk?

Me: (I automatically think I’m in trouble) Sure. What’s up?

Principal: (looks around to see if anyone is in the room): So, you’re miserable here, and I don’t want you to be miserable. I know you’re going to leave. I just want you to know that I will write you a letter of recommendation because it’s more important to me that you’re happy in your job than me keeping an excellent teacher.

Me: Wow. Ok.

We talked about how my unhappiness is valid. I talked to him about how we were in the same spot as last year, and I just seem to be emotionally holding it together better. In other words, I think I’ve become a bit more apathetic. (I hate that). I talked with him about how I wasn’t ready to give up on this school and it’s community. I told him that I loved it there and that I wanted to see where we could meet in the middle. We talked about switching me up, changes we could make, and what I ultimately want (co-teaching).

In the end he wants me to stay. He’s willing to work. I’m willing to work. I’m willing to help make the changes and meet in the middle. Because I love my school. 

But deep down I know resource isn’t where my heart is. Instructional is where I want to be, and I’ll never have that there.

I asked for some help last week with a presentation I had to do on Character Development. Presenting to 90+ kids and all my colleagues was freaking me out. You guys gave some great ideas and helped spark my own. Thank you.

I presented today and..

The kids enjoyed it. I had a blast teaching it. I wish I got to teach more like that. It was fun to be animated, excited, and interact with all kinds of students. Oh, and they learned something.

I have to teach a lesson about Character Development to the 90+ kids in Elementary 2 at our school. The lesson is for 90 Second Newbery. I have about 45 minutes to teach it and give the kids time to work in their groups on developing their characters. I’m kind of at a loss on how to execute this assignment. In the past I’ve had them identify characteristics of a character and we’ve talked about how a character changes from beginning to end, but I’m a little intimidated by teaching so many kids and having my colleagues watch. I’m definitely lacking confidence. I have an idea of what to do, but I welcome any others that you might have.

Idea: Highlight how Beast from Beauty and the Beast changes from beginning to end by showing clips from Youtube. I’d show that his was an uphill change (imagine an uphill slant from point A to point B). Then I would show another clip from something like Ferris Bueller’s Day Off* featuring Cameron. His change was like a snap rather than a progression. So his graph would be a straight line then a sudden change from point A to point B.

Thoughts? Ideas? I’m struggling.

*I will not show Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. It has cursing in it.

I haven’t thought much about censorship of myself. My space on the internet is known by a few in real life, but as it has grown, I have tried to cut that number down. No tweets when I post…there are co-workers, friends, acquaintances that follow my twitter. The more real this space comes, the less I want others to see it.

A lot of the teachers in #Education rarely show their face, and if they do, it’s promptly deleted. I take the risk of showing my face. It’s my space, right? I don’t use this space as only education. It’s used for many other things.

I only started to think more about censorship last week. A kid spotted me and then my face was reblogged by someone who I’ve never interacted with. I’ve never seen a “like”, reply, or even received a message. Why? Why is my face on their blog? It has no place there. Especially if it was placed on their blog with no comment. I realize I take the risk of being “found” by using Tumblr as my space and not locking it down. I accept that. I do have a hard time accepting that because I’m a teacher I’m held to a different standard. A standard that makes me feel ashamed that a student saw me dressed up and racing around the city with a shopping card. A standard that makes me feel awkward if I’m at a bar having a drink and a parent comes in. I don’t like that I don’t know the person who reblogged my photo and I fear that it will turn into someone finding out where my space is. I feel weird when I see my stuff on Pinterest. What if someone I know sees it..goes to my page and makes a connection? What if that person is a parent? Why does that parent have the right to judge me as a teacher for what I do on my time outside of work?

I have a hard time thinking that many other professions* out there go through what teachers do to keep a wall, so people don’t really know them. It sucks that the rest of the world is supposed to think that teachers are just teachers. They think we aren’t humans that that have friends, go to parties, had a good time in college… We are just teachers.

I’m just in a bad mood.

*I’m sure there are other professions that go through something similar. I was not trying to knock any other profession.